The Frisky Walrus (a dedication to Frank Walsh)

the frisky walrus
by free-da-baster
“a hot new number all the kids are doin!"

part 1.
the top nine and a half ways to tell the difference between
a real poem and a fake poem

1. real poems practice iambic pentameter without a license.
fake poems dry hump, are rigid and leave you feeling sore.
and not in a good way

2. real poems pull the trigger on your waking life, leave gray matter sprawled across your bed sheets (we don't clean easy febreezy)
fake poems are day jobs.

3. a real poem sticks its hand into your stomach and wraps it's fingers around your intestines, your burps smell like punch-lines; hot gassy face-rape.
fake poems are pink and purple, low-fat low-impact and made a' unicorns.
they give my brain corns. of boredom.
(no one wants to hear polished plastic soundscapes mthfka!)

4. real poems don't tell you how to raise yo child, get right with god, or who to trust. they make quality time a religion, they pray in stereo, and play feelings in
surround-sound.
fake poems are like fuckin-boots-- only good for some nasty foul shit, like chafing, stabbing, or a dirty sanchez! generally they're better off left deep in your closet like Governor McGreevy, the ability to suck your own dick, your baby jesus butt plugs, shitting your pants, that you can braid your pubes, your bulimia barf jars

5. real poems look like your fridge when you haven't been home for 3 months.
fake poems rub the wrong way like a too-tight rubber on a soft dick pokin a
dry pussy. a skinless, pretty lie that fails to penetrate, a sock in the pants,
a plague o' both your testicles!

6. fake poems fake orgasms! fake smiles, fake interest, fake injury, fake-number yer ass, fake baby, fake happiness, fake you-out with a fake hand-off or a hand-job. fake letters, vowels, sounds, words, spaces and silence.
(how the fuck do you fake silence?)
real poems are house parties

7. fake poems bite their own tongue, real poems swallow yours.

8. real poems aren't afraid to cry, fight, or ask for help.
fake poems tattle.
real pomes call their posse.

9. real poems are agnostic. fake poems worship capitalism.
real poems hustle art. fake poems solicit consumers.

9 1/2. fake poems are trust funds. real poems are couch change and street tips.

(the tenth reason was confiscated by the legion of decency and is being held by finger-cuffs in tipper gore's hatbox/garter belt drawer, waiting to be sacrificed in the dawn of the apocalypse)

fakes are for kids muthafkrs!
(a plague o' both your testicles!)